I want to kill myself.

I'm at the end of my rope. I hate life and would rather be dead. The only thing I had left in this world was my website, but it's obvious that nobody likes it and that I'm a worthless idiot. I've been attempting to kill myself all day and to no avail.

First, I tried drowning myself. That didn't work because I accidentally killed the wrong person.

Then, I tried to eat pills but all I found was a near-empty bottle of Vitamin C.

About three hours ago, I swallowed 4 or 5 of them and tried to drift out of consciousness forever. I thought I was dead for a moment until I realized I was just dreaming. That sucked. I eventually woke up and all that has happened since then is frequent urination and a feeling of overall comfort and wellness. My body actually feels healthier after trying to kill myself. Damn, I must be the worst suicidist in the universe.

Could somebody please help me? I'm all out of ideas and I need a way to die. Do us both a favor and send your suicide methods to suicide@ninjapirate.com as soon as possible. I'm so desperate, I even tried cutting my head off with a spoon.


From : Michael Lynch <mikealynch@yahoo.com>
To : suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : Suggestion
Date : Wed, 12 Nov 2003 10:28:57 -0800 (PST)


your best bet is to stick with the classics. either shoot yourself in the face or hang yourself.
creativity only makes things complicated.
good luck!


I don't have a gun. I have no rope either, I'm at the end of it, remember (see top of page)?

From : S Larsen<meanlarsen@yahoo.com>
To : suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : i got one 4 ya.
Date : Wed, 12 Nov 2003 1:22:48 +0300

check this out:
- dont breathe.
that'll do it.

What? Stop breathing? That's stupid. If I stopped breathing, then I'd die. What are you trying to do.. kill me? What the hell is wrong with you? Get help, sicko.

From : Andrew Miller <death_mage_tkd@yahoo.com>
To : Suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : How to kill your self.
Date : Wed, 12 Nov 2003 14:25:06 -0800 (PST)

This is a ten step guide to killing your self..... copied from realultimatepower.net. Have fun.

Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.
Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.
Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around
Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.
Step 5 Get really super pissed.
Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)
Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.
Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.
Step 9 Wait.
Step 10 Die.

I don't have a frisbee, so I tried using a plastic lid from a coffee yogurt container. That didn't work, but it tasted pretty good. Thanks anyway.

From: jarryd stamatelos <chlaxkeep73@yahoo.com>
To : suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : Suggestion
Date : Thu, 13 Nov 2003 13:43:45 -0800 (PST)

Well, the way i see it, slit the wrists. Go for the gold, if your not fuckin around, end it.

I already tried cutting my head off with a spoon. If I had a knife, I would have used that to sever my head instead. Hey, I rhymed, that was sweet. Now I'm all inspired. Maybe I'll bust out a suicide freestyle.

I had a spoon, should have used a knife instead to be dead,
Wake up and shoot myself in the head with lead bullets while still in bed.
Tried jumping in front of a flat-bed, but got hit by a kid on a mo-ped.
Run into a wall 'till my face is red and I'm deformed like an inbred.

I Drank hemlock and sat watching the clock,
nothing happened, so I tried overdosing on pot.
I eat at McDonalds every day, trying to make my arteries clot,
But the closest I've come to dying is smelling my dirty sock.

Yo.. maybe I could crawl into a microwave and be dead by radiation.
Go on a farm and die from dehydration while drowning myself in the irrigation.
If I had a bomb, I'd blow myself up like Bush did to the Iraqi nation...
I guess I'll just continue pounding my face into the wall out of frustration.

From: Jim Crawfinkle<suoirthgin@yahoo.ca>
To : Suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : Suicide.
Date : Thu, 13 Nov 2003 01:38:31 -0500 (EST)

In a rush to find out if there's really a god, are you? Aren't we all. I have what you need. When you stay up all hours of the morning on the internet, searching for something, this is what you're searching for. It will give you something to believe in while giving you nothing to believe in.

Okay Trinity, I'm too slow to understand your intense philosophical Matrix stuff. I've seen the movie 10 times and still have no idea how the hell Trinity wrote those words on Neo's screen. My current hypothesis is that she replaced his keyboard with a cardboard imitation and hid under the desk, but who knows?

From : "The Orichalcon" <the_orichalcon@hotmail.com>
To : suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : Grand Suicide Auto
Date : Sat, 15 Nov 2003 00:26:48 +0800

Don't take any shit. Hotwire a car and run over a few animals and children (if you can differentiate them, doesn't matter..) before driving at a reasonably high speed into a hospital. Make sure you kill all the staff so they don't accidently revive you.

I did what you said, Mr. Orichalcon. However, during the "running over animals" part, I hit a wooly mammoth and totalled the car. Trying to stay with the plan, I stripped naked and used my tongue to crawl to the hospital. When I got there, I screamed, "Attention! I'm going to kill all of you!" A fat nurse walked up to me, gave me a clipboard, and said, "Okay sir, first you're going to have to fill out the necessary paperwork before you savagely pillage the hospital staff." She was a fat nurse, and I don't take that kind of shit from fat people so I crammed a syringe into her eye. That's when things went black.

From: zehra hussain <zehroo@yahoo.com>
To : suicide@ninjapirate.com
Subject : you're way cooler than maddox
Date : Tue, 18 Nov 2003 15:14:07 -0800 (PST)
Attachment : heh.jpg (75k)

haha, not. but i guess you're pretty close.

pastry pastry pastry pastry pastry

(see attachment)

I thought the picture he sent me was funny, considering the context and what not.

November 12th, 2003

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