The Life
Cycle of
a Human.

So you're born.

Now you're an infant. Possibly gay, but an ugly creature none-the-less. Often times resembling an upside-down cricket.

Many people believe that giving birth is a difficult process. Many people are wrong. Not about birth being a difficult process, but just in general many people are wrong.. often about quizzicle facoids that they make up off the top of their heads to impress friends.

So you're an infant.

Right as your existence is kicked off, you're set up for a hardy dose of irony. The most defining moment in your life was spent sliding out of a slippery tube while your mother is screaming cuss words. Cut to four years old at the waterpark.

 

 

 

Learned behavior? I'd say so. Regardless, your parents still get mad at you for cussing when they gave you the idea in the first place. That's reason enough to axe them in the face when you're 15.

That's why downs syndrome children are so good at going down water slides feet-first.

Now let's skip ahead a little bit. Let's jump to later in your life, like until, right now.

Here you are reading this webpage. Here you are reading this webpage. Here you are still reading this webpage. Here you are still reading this webpage. Here you are still sitting there reading this webpage. Here you are still sitting there reading this webpage wondering where I'm going with this. Here you are reading this webpage. Here you are still reading this webpage wondering where I'm going with this. Here you are disappointed that I never went anywhere with that and you wasted eighteen seconds.

Now the rest of your childhood will revolve around these three things:

- Getting laid
- Going fast
- Getting laid again

All you want to do is get laid and then get into something that goes really fast. Until you're 18. At this point some humans are given a third robotic arm. However, that's very rare and I wouldn't worry about it.

The next evolution of the human life cycle grants you the ability to smoke cigarettes, buy porn, and vote. So you drive to the voting place and smoke a cigarette while you beat off in the voting booth. Then you come out and accidentally submit your crusty kleenex instead of the ballot. The ballot counters find the kleenex and assume it's your vote. So they fertilize an egg with the sperm, incubate and raise it, and then once it reaches the legal running age of 35, they cast your vote. Then they name it Fred Maxhouse and the election results are:

George Kerry: 33,253,115 votes
John Bush: 31,996,716 votes
Fred Maxhouse: 1 vote

Fred Maxhouse gets pissed off and uses the remainder of his election funds to hire an assassin who kills you because you wasted your only son's entire life on a futile attempt at making him president.

So you die.

And that is the life cycle of a human.

April 9th, 2006

 
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