Masturbating in public.

Jerking off around people is fun, but it can have an overall negative influence on your personality. For example, there's twenty minutes left on the bus ride home and you're all alone in the back. You begin spanking and all of a sudden a terrifying wave of paranoia rushes over you. Frantically looking around, you pay attention to every little thing people say because you're worried they might catch on to your horrible agenda. A girl in the front of the bus says, "Look at that flower," to her friend. You hear that and think, "Flower? Plant? Tree? Log? Wood? Does she know? Holy shit!" Panicking, you quickly cover up and look around the bus for hidden cameras and mirrors.

See what I mean? You have to be confident. Even if people do catch on that you're stroking, you must maintain control and stay calm. One time I was bored so I took off my pants and furiously beat off. Everything was going great until I lost control and huffed loudly. At that point, everybody in the church turned around and stared at me. I shouted, "It's okay, I'm just showing the lord my respect. It just so happens that my respect is in my pants." I went into the confession booth to finish the job but the priest was in there. I said to him, "Father, yes, I have sinned. In fact, I am sinning right now... and my sin is getting all over the damn booth. Do you have a Kleenex by any chance?"

Have you ever jerked off during class? You're sitting in fifth period English right after lunch and you have that young blonde substitute teacher with the cute little glasses and her hair done up in a bun. She's up talking about adverbs and pronouns, but all you can think is "Man I'd like to get her in the Janitor's closet."

You start thinking, "Maybe if I just touched it a little, other students won't notice." As your hand gets close to your goods, you think, "What if I really do it? What if I actually flog my penis during school?" That triggers another thought, "Even if I don't get caught, will god punish me? Are angels watching? Will I go to hell?" Just when your pants are unzipped, the teacher calls on you to give your presentation. When you stand up, a cool breeze whips your nuts. You hesitate for a moment because something doesn't seem right. You look down and your balls are hanging out of your pants and flopping around on your notebook.

Have you ever self-scrogged in a movie theater? You're in the back row all by yourself because you have no friends so you begin thinking, "This movie is really boring, but Milla Jovovitch is looking pretty damn sexy right now." No big story.

You're sitting on a plane with your parents while that hot stewardess stands in front of the isle instructing you on how to buckle your seatbelt. Her ignorance and fake smile turn you on, so you run to the little bathroom and whip out your tool. Meanwhile, you got that asshole outside knocking on the door saying, "Hey, my kid is in trouble here, could you please hurry?"

A half an hour later, the stewardess comes and knocks on the bathroom door. She says, "Excuse me sir, but we're landing shortly, I'm going to have to ask you to return to your seat." It's hard to stop once you've started, and here you are being asked to sit down when you still got another ten minutes to go. You return to your seat and continue without even pulling up your pants. Everyone on the plane is listening to you squeal like a pig and meanwhile, your parents don't know what the hell is going on. The captain comes out screaming. You look at him and say, "I'm sitting with my seatbelt on. I'm not smoking. I have no electronic appliances turned on. I don't see any 'no masturbation' signs. What's the problem, Captain?"

Have you ever beat off in a public restroom? That's scary stuff. You walk in, lock the door, and at first it feels like you're home free until you take off your trousers. At the point you start suspecting all kinds of crazy things. First you think people are watching from the vent and laughing at you, then you see small holes in the wall that could contain hidden cameras. Suddenly you feel extremely guilty and embarrassed. You even start suspecting that the mirror is the one-way kind in interrogation rooms. I gotta tell you, it's all true.

From now on, when you masturbate in public, just keep in mind that people are probably watching and it's a good chance that your parents will find out. Hell, do it anyway. It's not like there's anything anyone is going to do about it. Everybody masturbates. Even your parents do it occasionally. Just go look in your dad's "secret" drawer. Every dad has a secret drawer where he keeps his bible, will, and porno. You know what I'm talking about. Even girls do it, a lot of them will claim, "No, only 80% of females masturbate." Bullshit.

January 19th, 2004

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