Is Jesus coming or what?

If Christ did return, how would we know? What would he look like? Would he be cool or just another asshole offering me Sunday brunch to get me to convert to Christianity? Who knows?

With these questions in mind, I set out on a project to find the truth about the upcoming return of our lord. Filtering through a lot of gibberish and boring information, a few key points were extracted from a fiction novel that was in my mom's nightstand.


"For The Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel's call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet The Lord in the air." (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 RSV)

1. Jesus will come back to life
2. Jesus will fly around


"And with bright yellow aura will he fall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great strength." (Matthew 24:29-31 RSV)

1. Jesus will have a bright yellow aura around him
2. Jesus will be ripped and powerful


"Then TheLord will go forth and fight against those nations as when He fights on a day of battle." (Zechariah 14:3-5)

1. Jesus will love to fight.


"On that day the Mount of Olives shall be split in two from east to west by a very wide valley; so that one half of the Mount shall withdraw northward, and the other half southward; and you shall flee as you fled from the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah." (Zechariah 14:3-5)

2. Jesus will create widespread panic through geographical disasters and earthquakes.


In conclusion: Jesus will come, fly around with a yellow aura around him, fight all the time, and in doing so creating giant holes in the terrain with his super powers.

I can only think of one thing that fits this description:


Christ will return as none other than Super Saiyan Jesus.

Yes, I was shocked at first too. No one could have known that Jesus was returning as a saiyan. I sure didn't, but it makes sense. Who else could regulate the earth with justice while still being ruthless and powerful enough to fire giant balls of energy at those who pissed him off? Amazing, isn't it?

Plus, the name Jesus has the letters "S," "S," and "J" in it. That cannot be a coincidence. It is certain now. Super Saiyan Jesus is coming and he's pissed.

November 5th, 2003

 
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