All time biggest turn offs

All time biggest turn offs

Girls do all kinds of things that piss guys off. Usually they don't realize what they're doing. Then we never call them again and they think we're assholes and then we get their mother pregnant. But it was their fault all along. Here are the biggest worst turn offs available that I can think of.

1. Driving safely
You can always tell how boring a girl is by how safely she drives.

2. Flushing the toilet
If she wastes water, I wonder what else she wastes? Most likely her life and existence.

3. Wearing a baseball hat
Sex and baseball are not heterosexually corrolated. Nobody gets aroused by mental imagery of girls playout center field. Girls playing sports is not hot, especially baseball. The only time girls should be permitted to wear mits is when they're taking food out of the oven.

5. Baby talk
Not cute. And even if it were cute, cuteness sucks. Cuteness is for teddy bears. Unless you're looking for the type of guy who fucks teddy bears, stay clear of anything cute.

6. Being Asian
Asians are the coolest kind of people. But the coolest people are always the worst in bed. So to all of Asia, let's just be friends.

11. Being on time
People who are on time clearly have nothing going on in their life.

13. Smoking cigarettes
Just kidding, smoking is mighty sexy. Smoke if you want guys to like you.

15. Wearing nice shoes
Don't waste your efforts because we won't see your shoes anyway. Our eyes are up here and your feet are way down there. It's a pointless effort. It makes us think you don't understand us at all. Guys are not into that.

14. Talking about politics
Guys are curious what's written on your underwear, not your ballot. Talking about old disgusting nappy wrinkly old men like Hilary Clinton does not get us up and aroused.

156. Wearing bracelets
Bracelets are the worst jewelry. They're watches that don't give any information. Beiung practical is the only practical way to be.

16. Laughing too loud
Guys know how funny we are. If you laugh louder than the joke was due, it's embarrassing. It makes me want to slap everything about you.

17. Compliments
We know how awesome we are. Don't waste your time with your relentless compliments.

177. Piercings
Girls with so many rings running through them I want to hang a shower curtain on their face and climb in and have them spit on me. Pull that shit out of your body and be normal like everyone else. Normal is attractive.

177b. Tattoes
If I'm doing a girl from behind, the last thing I want is to be stared down by a pink fucking cartoon bunny.

18. Using exclamation marks
I hate exclamation marks. They make me flacid. Stop.

19. Saying "just."
It's unnecessary and pathetic. "I'm just really tired" says the same thing as "I'm really tired." It doesn't elevate your state of passion or drama to use "just" in every statement you make. Knock it off.

21. Leaving voice mail
If we don't answer, we don't want to talk. Stop infiltrating our gadgets with your hairy smelly voice.

25. Inviting us places
Inviting a guy somewhere is saying, "You don't have the capacity to make decisions for yourself."
Stop it. We don't need life direction guidance from noobs.

23. Telling the truth.
Honesty is for push-overs. The truth is never interesting. Lies are what make things happen in life, in the world, and especially in the bedroom.

25. Shitting on my face
I'm not a toilet. What's wrong with you. Do NOT shit on my face. NOT cool. And the fact that I keep falling for these kinds of girls is disconcerting at best.

27. Smiling
What are you so damn happy about. Shut the fuck up.

25. Kissing

24. Having your DNA genetically cross polinated with corn.
Seriously, c'mon.

256. Having sex with us
Girls only have sex because they're insecure. You don't enjoy it. You think you're so gracious and kind. It makes me sick.

261. Walking
Where are you going that's so damn important? We're not impressed. You are not specially talented for having the capacity for movement. Everyone can move. If you really want to impress a guy, buy him a house.

27. Taking home left-overs
Left-overs would normally be thrown away, thus taking home leftovers is the same thing as eating trash. You wouldn't want your date to see you rooting through trash dumpsters on the walk home, so don't take home garbage from the restaurant. Get a job, homeless worthless Jew bastard.

25. Condoms
Condoms piss guys off more than anything. Who do you think you are? It's your responsibility to make sex good, not ours. Don't cheap shot us with this condom crap. If I wanted to fuck a piece of plastic, I'd stick a turkey baster up my ass, suck the jizz out my balls, and go to sleep.

28. Listening closely
You bother me with all your incesent listening. It makes me uncomfortable to think someone cares what I'm saying. Stop listening so damn much and shut the hell up.

29. Being nice to my parents
I'm not even nice to my parents and I've known them for decades. Stop being a dumb suck-up mulebag. My parents are trash. If you're nice to them, it only shows how fake and shallow you are. One time I introduced a girl to my parents and the first thing she said was, "Wow, I didn't expect Thilo's mom to be so fat and disgusting. And you, dad, you look like a shitstain on my pants after your son got done railing me in the throat." I was so turned on, I fucked all three of them in the coat closet.

31. Being one-faced
The more bi-polar you are, and the more personalities you have. And the more personalities you have, the longer it will take us to get bored of each one of you. The more schitzo, the less bored I'll be after dating you for three days.

31. Scratching itches
Itches are caused by bacteria. Nobody wants to have sex with something ridden with bacteria. Not only is scratching disgusting, but it's also a sign of having no self restraint. What is wrong with these girls?

33. Eating
Girls eating looks and sounds gross.

34. Breathing
Smelly, repulsive, sickening. Especially out your nose. If I'm sleeping with a girl and I can hear her breath, I go out and find a bum and let him sleep between us so his raspy snoars drown out the girl's pathetic nose wheezing.

35. Sleeping
A sleeping girl is the most boring thing on the planet. I'd rather date a piece of fossilized dinosaur snot than wake up to a sleeping girl next to me. When I wake, I want my homework done, taxes filed, meals cooked, bong loaded with clean water, and a fresh array of condoms layed out for me in case I decide to get a morning prostitute. And I also want all the pets we own to be filleted and stacked neatly in the basement freezer. That's what I want, and that's what every guy wants. Stop being so lazy and unattractive and get on the ball.

February 19th, 2008

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