1. Make yourself a little memory box. Collect a bunch of trinkets and things that reminds you of your life at home and store them in a cute little safe storage container that you decorated by yourself. Stick old letters in there as well as artificats that spawn happy memories. Once you've compiled all these little nuggets of nostalgia and joy, throw the fucking thing in a fire.
2. Get in touch with all your old high school friends. They may be outdated, but they all have something to offer. Like stereos. Go to your old friend's houses and steal as much shit as you can. Radios, DVDs, RAM, anything that you want but probably wouldn't buy yourself. They'll find out it's you, but it'll be too late - you'll be gone. Also, have abusive and unprotected sex with the dirtiest, skankiest sluts from high school that you always wanted to pork but didn't in fear of reprocussions. Nothing will cap off your hometown experience better. Get them pregnant, whatever. It doesn't matter because you're gone. Unless of course you're a loser and return home after college. Then you deserve to face the reprocussions and probably end up paying child support.
3. Get in touch with your future professors. Send them a little card stating how much you're looking forward to attending their class. Here's one I made for my humanities professor:
This is the front:
On the back:
It's very respectful and noble to express your exuberance and excitement for becoming a pupil of theirs.
3. Get an agenda of all the classes and learn it well. This is important because the best time to scrog a professor's wife is while he's teaching a class. So get to know their schedule. There's nothing worse than nude roof running. But karma always plays its part and you skip class one day to find the professor orchestrating an orgy in your dorm room. And you're like, "Woah there!" And he's like, "Please don't tell my wife next time you're fucking her.. er.. I wasn't supposed to know that, dammit." And you're like, "Okay sir, but in return, I require immediate reparations after that traumatic incident. Now gimme that blonde chick, the vibrator, and fifteen minutes with that donkey and we're square."
5. Bring cow shit. I'm bringing only 2 bags to college - one full of condoms and one full of cow shit. Because there's no cow shit in big cities where colleges are. And how will you ever throw cow shit at your roommate if there's no cows around shitting? I know a lot of people forget this rule of college life. So don't.
6. Instead of wasting $12 on a cute little leather-bound pocket datebook, buy a roll of toilet paper and write your stuff on that. Because face it - you're lazy. And no sane human can actually maintain adding to a datebook for for than a week. All datebooks indefinitely turn into toilet paper.
"Oh no, we're out of toilet paper! What should I do?"
"Here, use this datebook. Aim for around November."
"Yeah,
that's a boring month. November sucks ass, and now it wipes ass too. But hey, it doubles as bathroom reading material. "
They should make datebook toilet paper. You write down everything you have to do on it. Then you walk in the bathroom to take a shit and on the toilet paper there is your to-do list for the day. So you read about all the crap you're probably not going to get done that day, then wipe your soggy ass with that useless piece of planning. What worthless garbage. If I ever have a datebook, It'll read:
January 1st: Eat, piss, jack off, maybe shit, eat more, jack off.
January 2nd: Eat, piss, jack off, hopefully shit, jack off, eat, piss.
January 3rd: Eat, piss, jack off, shit if I haven't already this week, piss, eat shit, jack off.
But who the hell needs that kind of planning written down? Most of the crap people write in datebooks is redundant anyway. Why would I need to document redundant activities for the future? I read girl's little calendar books and they say common sense redundant crap like: "August 28th: Clean dildo." Well no shit? It's not like it won't smell when it needs cleaning. Trust me, a dirty dildo will let you know when it'd time to clean. You don't need to have the information presented to you in ink and paper form. Overachieving masturbating cuntrat girls. Maybe I'm just jealous because my dildo hasn't been safisfying me lately.
7. Don't spend money on anything. If you get to college, someone is going to excess of whatever you need. Shampoo, soap, towels, lube, whatever. Trust me, you don't need to spend money on these things because there are plenty of overly-prepared trust-fund assholes living right next to you who would give anything just to be your friend.
8. Sell your old ID before you leave. When you go to college out of state, you get issued a new drivers license. So it's important that before you leave, you sell your old license for about $80 on the street. Here's what you do - walk around downtown at midnight on weekends until you find someone that looks like you and has the same features and similar facial structure. Approach him, take out your ID, break his nose, steal his wallet, and go buy candy. Almond Joys are good, so are Reeses and Kit Kats.
9. Whatever amount of money the college recommends on books, cut that in half. In fact, cut it to zero. Books are stupid. You'll mostly be copying off other people the whole year anyway. Textbooks are like $80 each. That's a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a droolcatcher.
10. Be sure to cut all ties from your home town. College is a time of rapid self-advancement. Your long-time friends from high school know they're going nowhere with their lives. So they'll do anything to keep in touch with anybody that leaves to seek fortune. But they're going to sit around your hometown doing the same old boring routine until they die. Losers like that will only drag you down. Make sure to make each one thoroughly hate you by the time you leave. Try these methods:
- Lie about sleeping with their girlfriend. Hopefully their girlfriend is your friend as well, that way they'll both hate you and you kill two birds with one stone. And by "birds," I mean "friends." And by "stone," I mean "gun."
- Walk up to your friend, punch him in the nose, take his wallet, and go buy candy with it.
- Rape your best friend. I had this friend who continually persisted to tell me about how hard he was going to work to maintain our friendship while I'm away in college. I tried everything to hint him that I didn't want to be his friend anymore. Finally, after all else failed, I fucked him in the ass while he was sleeping. He hasn't talked to me since and I don't think he intends to any time soon. Problem solved.
11. (bonus advice) Carry a map of the campus everywhere you go. Strut around the halls and mutter "mystic managed" when people walk by. No, that's stupid. Don't do that. Unless you're a complete loser. Which I'm guessing you are if you actually go online and search for websites on how to prepare for college. Preparing for college is easy. Get a laptop and a week's worth of clothes. Here, I'll make you a printable checklist:
[ ] Laptop
[ ] Clothes
Oh boy, how stressful. You better start knocking those suckers off now if you're going to be prepared by 2007. Jesus Christ.
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