I'm pretty sick of computers and the way things are going. I can't see anything positive happening in the future with computers and the internet. Corporations, Conspiracies, Canada voting Republican, it all makes me cry. And by cry, I mean feel bad. And by feel bad, I mean give it a quick thought and then go to class and stare at this one chick who always wears a thong. But it's kind of gross because it's the same color thong every day and I'm starting to worry. And by worry, I mean not masturbate to her anymore.
I remember years ago when everybody used AOL because it was the only thing available. But now everything AOL has to offer is free somewhere else. Here are some things AOL advertises as "free with their service."
- Anti-virus
- Popup protection
- Instant messaging
- Bookmarks
- Password security
- Mouse pointer interaction
- Buttons
- Icons
- English text
- The color white
- The option to get up and go to the refrigerator when nobody is chatting with you and you feel sorry for yourself so you go eat.
All that crap is free on the internet. That's like Coke advertising, "The air that you use to hyperventilate as you go into diabetic shock is free!" Or no.. it's like a prostitute with a sign around her neck that says, "The condom is complimentary!" Condomentary. That's ridiculous. Who uses a condom with a prostitute? I want my money's worth. Jeez. Cheese. When I get a prostitute, none of this latex barrier. I want cheese with my beef stick.
I was looking on AOL's site and their actual advertisement says "Enjoy free on-demand entertainment." As if anybody is sitting in their room demanding entertainment. Some guy slamming his fists on the keyboard, "I DEMAND entertainment RIGHT NOW. What the FUCK!!!" Hey man, simmer down. The entertainment will be here soon."
Heads exploding. What a cliche. I should have made his foot explode. That'd be way cooler. But nobody would get it. They'd be like, "Why did his foot explode? Shouldn't his head explode? I'm going to go lie down now." I wish people didn't have so much pride. It's pride that causes stubbornness. It's all a waste.
Everything is a waste nowadays. Nothing is natural. The only positive things left in the world are sex and drugs. And they're trying to take those from us as well. All this technology makes me sick. It's all a big marketing ploy to make technology seem necessary for survival.
Companies want to sell more technology, so they deem the old technology obsolete by fabricating new desires that can only be fulfilled by the new technology.
You don't need bubbly icons and little animations of dogs to help you search for files. What a ridiculous feature. Fuckin' dogs. Can you believe that? Dogs. Jesus Christ. Fuckin' dogs. Holy cow. Oh, dogs. Fuck dogs. I was hanging out in the living room and my dog came up to me and puked all this hamburger helper stuff on the floor. I went to the kitchen to find something to clean it up with. Back in the living room, the rug was barren and the dog was laying there licking his lips and looking innocent.
The moral of the story is that I will rape your dog if you don't turn that stupid animation off. And the worst part that really drives me insane is that when you turn off an animation, it continues to animate for a few seconds. I am clearly not interested in an animation, hence turning it off. So why continue to animate? Am I supposed to feel sympathy for a dog animation looking sad? Hell no. I want to replace every monster in Doom 3 with that dog. Then the game might actually be fun. Screw that game.
Screw all games except 4-square. Let's bring back 4-square. That game ruled. But I hated those kids that would always state the rules before each serve. They'd be like, "Okay.. no upsies, downsies, spikers, twisters, fakies, corners, treetops, backhands, black magic, green magic, card magic, blockers, zingers, zangers, twangers, footsies, flipsies, double flipsies, triple flipsies, or using your dick like a bat. Okay?" Those kids all grew up to be brown nosing uppity morons. They all kissed ass into middle management of small businesses and now they walk around to every cubicle saying, "Hey Johnson. I'd just like to remind you.. No sleepies, breakies, solitairies, minesweepies, yahoo gamies, chatties, newgroundsies, pornies, or reading that shitty samurai pirate site."
Anyway, sorry to get off topic there. Actually I'm not sorry. Fuck you. You should be sorry for not voting a liberal into office so I get my god damn free ADD medication. Alright.. blah. Here's the perfect metaphor for our culture:
You don't need any of that crap to play music. You just need this:
You don't even need color. Why color? Color doesn't enhance the quality of music. Or anything really. I think we should all go back to the 1950s when the world was black and white.
Fuck it, you shouldn't even have a music player. Music isn't necessary. Or a computer. Let's go back to the 1950s BC. Screw technology and cellphones and iPods and everything. I think everyone should live in adobe houses with dirt floors and have farms. I'm sick of technology. Cameras, cars, metronomes, metrosexuals, robots (I fucking hate robots), have I ever mentioned how much I hate robots? People tell me. They're like, "Hey man, ya know what's better than ninjas and pirates? Robots! Or.. PirateRobots.. or.. Ninjarobots. Screw that. I can't stand robots. I also can't stand dominos. They always fall down. Get it? I can't STAND them. Oh man.
To anyone planning on emailing me saying, "Man, fuck Windows, use Linux." Or, "Screw Windows Media Player, use VLC." No, you don't understand. Technology sucks. Everything is stupid. Throw away your computer. Let's all live like animals and have stinky ostrich sex with everyone and not communicate. Communicating is overrated. Fuck language, talking isn't necessary, let's all be apes. Let's even walk like apes. Apes are awesome. Remember when they tried to teach that ape sign language and it shot up the school? Or maybe that was deaf students, I don't remember. But let's all run around grunting at each other and fighting for no reason and pissing to mark our territory. No more police. For reals, and I'm not saying that in the gangsta "man, fuck da police" way, I'm saying seriously.. no police. Get rid of police. And guns. I want to fight with bones that I stripped from the skeletons of other people that I killed. And if you see a guy carrying a huge bone, you know he must have killed someone really big to get it. Wouldn't that be an awesome place to live in? Ugh. I should stop thinking about it. Why try? It'll never happen.
I'm guessing you skimmed through all that nonsene to get to this paragraph. You were looking for another picture, but were disappointed because there is no more. And I'd just like to say that I'm happy with this blog. I feel relieved to say all those things. I don't care if it wasn't funny to you, it was fun for me. And I only say that as backup in case it wasn't funny. Speaking of being a hypocritical douchebag, I made a myspace page. I made it because everyone has one and I want to raise my status by getting more friends than everybody else. It's like a competition to me. I see other webmasters with myspace accounts and like 100 friends and I'm like, "Pfsh, what a fuckin' friendless (pretty much) loser. I could do that." My leg hurts.
