Every Christmas, I'm left miserable and unsatisfied. My parents got me the wrong thing, my friends got me worthless junk, and your grandparents didn't get me anything because they hate my snotty little punkass. Then I root through a giant stocking and find a bunch of socks. Isn't that fun? Rummaging through footwear to find smaller footwear. Great.
People waste money on me and say, "You're so hard to shop for!" Really? Then don't shop for me! Seriously, I won't mind. It's not like I'm going to ever use this calendar anyway. They get me calendars every year. Hundreds of them. I even got a Birds of the World calendar. That's right, Birds of the World! I hate birds and I hate the world. Get a clue.
They they they they they they they they they claim that it's the thought that counts. I'm no Deanna Troi, but I'm pretty sure that thoughts don't count in this stretch of the galaxy. Plus, these morons have no coherent thoughts in their brain. All year long, their meager minds are pumping out useless bullshit. Their thoughts never counted before. Why should they start counting now? It makes no sense. Oh well. We'll see in seven days when my eBay auction finishes:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3948957900
My bartender friend gave me a piece of paper with "You get one free mat shot" on it. You know the rubber pads that bartenders make drinks on? Underneath them is a tray where spilled liquor goes. At the end of the night, they lift the mat and empty that tray into a cup. That is a mat shot. And I have one. Yay.
Worse, I hate it when people complain about Christmas stress. All I've heard since the beginning of November, "Man, the holiday season is so stressful!" If it's really that bad, just convert to Judaism you big dummy. Every time someone makes a mistake, they blab on about Christmas stress. "Oh, they should call it Stressmas!" Then they laugh like a dope. Everyone else laughs along with them out of courtesy and social obligation.
Well I don't need your courtesy laughs and I certainly don't need your half-ass thrift-store presents. How about this - you don't waste your money on "Get the Ball in the Hole" hand games for me and I won't have to waste my dignity on fake smiles and sappy "thank you" hugs for you.
If Christmas is really that stressful, follow these easy guidelines for a smooth and frustration-free holiday season. Most of it is common sense, but ironically, common people tend to have no sense.
#1. Be selfish.
When you go shopping, only think about yourself and what you want for Christmas. Don't think about other people. Why should you try to figure out what they want? You're not them and never will be. If everyone bought presents for themselves only, Christmas would be a lot more efficient.
#2. Take many shits while at work.
At my job, I'm not offered paid vacation, but I am offered paid trips to the crap portal. And there is no better feeling than getting paid to shit. Just sit on the can, lay back on the little toilet backrest, and let the time go by. The boss won't say anything. What's she going to do? Be like, "Hey Thilo, you take too long to shit. You're fired." They can't do that. They can't do anything.
#3. Don't give gifts under any circumstance.
You'll get used to it. The trick is to never bring up the subject. Simply don't mention it. Accept gifts without saying a word. You will be pressured to give an excuse, "I got you a present but it broke!" or "I'll get your present later!" Don't. Be strong.
#4. If someone asks what you want for Christmas, tell them to suck your dick.
If they do, score! If not, you win anyway. There's nothing better than a good holiday cockthrottling.
#5. Masturbate furiously.
I'm sick of people ripping off the "Got Milk?" slogan. That's why I did it. That doesn't make any sense. I guess I never did claim to make sense. Making sense is for smart people. Back off.
#6. Don't buy "her" anything.
Your girlfriend will forgive you for shafting her. If she doesn't, she obviously doesn't love you and it was never meant to be. Yeah, she probably does need new earrings because you threw her old ones out the car while they were still latched into her earlobe. And if she needs jewelry that badly, she can apply at McDonalds and buy them herself. Get off your flabby butt cheeks and start taking responsibility for yourself, you lazy self-serving cunt.
#7. Basically, don't do jack for anyone, ever.
Friends don't last forever. Maybe a few years. Why waste money on people who won't matter in the long run? The only person you're stuck with forever is yourself. That's who you should be caring about. Buying gifts is worthless. You're better off smoking the cash and getting high on the traces of meth that got caught in the paper fibers.
It's not like I'm promoting Scroogism. I don't despise Christmas. I merely don't want anything to do with it. It's like gay guys. I say, "I don't want anything to do with gay guys." And people hear, "I hate gay guys." I don't hate gay guys or Christmas, I just want nothing to do with either of them. Not that I'm associating Christmas with homosexuality, although I'm pretty sure Scrooge is gay (see picture), it's just an analogy.
And here Scrooge is getting on his knees for his dead partner Marley.
I never understood A Christmas Carol. For a grubby old man, Scrooge isn't that bad of a guy. He just needs to get laid. Some guy living alone with tons of money and no sex. Is the solution really that hard? But no, God sends down a bunch of looney spirits that show him a gravestone. As if that would help a guy cure blue balls. He doesn't need that. To hell with Christmas Past, he needs the ghost of Christmas Ass. I'll send Scrooge a five dollar hooker and it'll do a million times more good than some Christian poltergeist with a scream mask and a black cape.
I wonder what the Grinch and Scrooge think of each other. Do they take turns ruining Christmas? Or are they each assigned zones in designated Christian regions of the world?
Man, Scrooge with a lightsaber. I've lost it. Maybe the holidays are stressing me out. I don't know. Whatever. I'm done. Merry Pippin*... I mean Christmas.
*
. Eat shit.
people gave me worthless presents that I'll never actually use.